It is normal that couples would want to spend time together. Conversely, it’s hard to believe that couples who never spend any time together are even involved in a relationship. Time together and relationships are intrinsically tied together. But how much time is appropriate? Should couples spend every waking moment together, or have some time apart?
There is no black-and-white answer to the time question. Couples are influenced by different things. They have different needs, different responsibilities, and different preferences. Perhaps a more important question to answer is how couples can make the best of the together time they do have.
Daily Life Responsibilities
The biggest factor influencing how much time couples spend together is the extent to which each one is involved in life’s daily responsibilities. Assuming both parties work, that’s 40 hours per week spent apart. If they work opposite schedules, those 40 hours jump to 80.
Work is just the start. Couples have other responsibilities, too. Younger couples have to devote a lot of attention to their kids. Older couples no longer raising kids may have to turn their attention to their parents. Then there are neighborhood responsibilities, community responsibilities, and so forth. It can all add up to a lot of time apart.
Making Use of the Time
During couples’ counseling, one of the things that counselors at Rye, New York’s Relationships & More try to learn is how couples spend the time they have together. They do so with the understanding of the difference between quality time and quantity of time.
It is difficult to enjoy the quality time when the quantity isn’t there. Even so, a limited amount of time together needs to be used wisely. Couples are not going to build strong and healthy relationships if all their shared time is spent staring at separate phone screens and posting on social media.
Quality time is time spent interacting. Sometimes that means a conversation. Other times it means sharing a meal, listening to music together, watching a movie, or going for a walk. And of course, some of a couple’s quality time should be intimate time.
Living in the Same House
Learning to make the most of limited time when couples are young can pay off when they are older. This is easily observed just by comparing older couples. Some seem to love spending time together. They do not ever want to be separated. Others seem like they are just living in the same house but doing their own things.
Here is the point: younger couples who are content to be apart may discover they don’t know how to spend time together when they get older. They do not know how to sit and have a good conversation. They don’t know how to enjoy playing a silly game or sitting on the porch and watching the sun go down. And because they don’t know how to do it, they do not even try.
Whatever Is Necessary
What it boils down to is the fact that each couple needs to spend whatever time is necessary to ensure the relationship is thriving. If a couple only has 10 hours a week to spend together, they should find ways to use those 10 hours to strengthen their relationship. Their time spent together should be quality time.
Investing in making quality time goes a long way to overcoming limited quantity. When couples make quality time a priority in their younger years, they discover that they enjoy the increased amount of time they have together as they grow older. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
